Question:
What’s good Dedan, I have a question about a situation that I am currently in. I have been seeing this girl for a month now and we are really feeling each other. We always have good conversations on the phone and we have gone to the movies, out to eat, walked in the park etc.
Everything was cool until the other night when things got a little out of control. We were watching a movie and one thing lead to another. The next thing I knew both of our clothes were off. We have come close to having sex before but nothing like this.
Since it seemed like it was about to go down, I went for the condom that was in my wallet. Even though she was looking right at me, she asked me what I was doing. At first I smiled, and then just ignored her. We went back to kissing and I put on the condom. I tried to put it in but she stopped me and told me not to put it in. I was a little frustrated but I respected her wishes and backed off. I start to get up but she pulled me back down on top of her. To make a long story short, after a few more minutes of kissing and touching, I tried to put it in again and this time she let me.
We were doing it and all of a sudden, she starts trippin and tells me to get off her. She starts crying saying that I raped her and that she told me to stop. She threatened to call the police and tells me to leave.
I got my stuff and left. My question to you is based on my version of the story was I wrong for my actions, in your opinion, did I rape her or was she just playing games?
My Advice:
You really need to be careful in situations where sex is involved. Your friend could have easily pressed charges against you and there would have been nothing you could have done about it. The thing about rape is that it’s her word against yours and the jury usually tends to believe the woman.
In your defense, many women play games where they say no when they really mean "yes". For some reason, women think that it’s cute or sexy to tease men with sex, so when the time comes when they really mean no, many men do not take them seriously.
My advice to you would be to always play it safe when a woman says no.
Just stop whatever it is that you are doing and remove yourself from the situation. Rape is a serious charge and no woman is worth losing your freedom.
Anyone who reads my column on a regular basis knows that I keep it real and call it like I see it, whether the man or the woman is right. In your situation, I do not see you as being wrong. Your girl sat there and watched you go into your wallet to get the condom and then put it on.
If she was not cool with what was about to go down, that would have been the time to tell you to stop. Instead, she waited until you were actually inside of her to say no.
A good rule of thumb for all relationships is to have good communication with each other. When dating someone, you need to be fully aware of their views regarding sex. Some women make it known that they want to wait until marriage to be intimate. Other women say they have to be in a committed relationship. And then there are the women who let you know that it’s going down right after you get home from TGI Fridays on the first date.
Normally, if a woman is willing to sleep with you, she makes it known in one form or another. But in the event that she does not make her intentions clear, you need to realize that no always means no. Never assume that her no means yes or maybe. A split second could change your life forever. Just ask Mike Tyson.
Hopefully, I shed some light on this subject for you.
Dedan Tolbert is the Founder/CEO of TB&D Enterprises and author of the award winning novel, “The Love We Had...” and upcoming book, “Ask Dedan Sex, Dating & Relatonships- Volume I" (available July 27th).
